Divorce Facts: 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. American Psychological Association.
If you want to have a successful and healthy marriage, check yourself, divorce-proof your marriage. Often, our thinking can get us in world of trouble. Premarital coaching will help you identify your faulty assumptions.
When I first got into my current marriage. I believed that my partner should automatically know what is wrong with me. For example, check this scenario. Imagine filling your cart with grocery items. You are with your spouse and planning your meals for the next week. You are at the register, you pull out your bank card and swipe it in the self-check out card reader. Your look at the total and see that you have spent over $200 dollars on 1 week worth of meals. Now prior to moving in with each other, your grocery bill was at about 80 bucks a week. You chop it up and head to the car. You spouse is talking about the football game and does not even seem moved at all by the total. Fast-forward, it is now Friday, you look in the fridge and see 4 left over subway sandwiches, a Big Mac box from McDonalds and XL smoothie from Jamba Juice.
Pop Quiz, what is going through your mind? Now if you are a meticulous and planned spender this would completely drive you crazy. Next question, how would you respond to this scenario? Would you give your spouse the silent treatment, would you withhold sex, would you give them a piece of your mind resulting in a yelling match, would you call them a name, would you try to sabotage their lunch plans or not cook dinner? The list goes on and on….
I challenge you to check your thinking. A scenario as simple as this can snowball into dissatisfaction, lost intimacy, lost passion, etc. This person that you committed yourself too, now does not look as appealing. That charming object of your attraction that you met that day at the bar no longer looks the same!
What is faulty reasoning? Examine what assumptions you might have about your relationship and your partner that are actually faulty, or a myth. I would argue that the reasons for divorce are faulty assumptions. Changing your thinking about assumptions will fortify your relationship for the long haul.
Top Ten Faulty Assumptions. Divorce Advice every failed couple wish they could of had!
If you believe any of these assumptions you will find some struggles in your relationship. See if you agree with any of these, even a little bit. Here are some faulty assumption examples…
1. To show love, my partner must tell me he or she loves me multiple times daily. This is a sure fire way to burn your partner out. Anyone that desires to hear those words “I Love YOU” multiple times a day, definitely needs to hear words of affirmation. However, if you hear something too many times, it looses it impact. It is not fair to put this type of pressure on your partner. Eventually, they will want more. To keep the love alive you must touch this person,give gifts, remember those important days, do special things for this person like cleaning up after dinner and spending that quality one on one time together.
2. If I don’t feel romantic with my partner, it means we aren’t in love any longer. Women typically need romance to feel sexual, and men need sex to feel like the alpha male. This works really well in the beginning. Both of you are trying to please each other so that your partner will be impressed and continue to share their time with you. You may not even notice it as you begin to do less and less of the things you did when you were dating. You may tell yourself things such as, “The children take my time”, “she/he knows I love them”, “We do not have the money/time to go out” or the big one “I’m exhausted.” If you do not feel romantic it does not mean that you are not in love anymore. It means that your love languages are not being met. Time to check your thinking and communicate how you feel assertively.
3. My partner should meet all my needs, especially all my sexual needs. This is nice, however we must remember that if you never communicate what you like or need that may never happen. In addition, you are going to have to compromise. Life is a long journey that will have ups and downs. People go through things with their health. People change careers, have children, and suffer from loses. The key is being able to communicate what you need and come to a consensus. No one human will ever be able to fulfill all of your needs (physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, etc).
4. My partner should support all my ideas. You true love will not hang on your every word, do whatever you desire, and follow you to the the ends of the earth. This is clinginess. Real love challenges you, stands beside you, catches you when you fall, gives you your space and never judges. This person will be your cheerleader, coach and ethics board. They might seem like the busiest person in the world or the least affectionate at times, but when it matters, they’ll drop what they are doing and be there. Most importantly, they will see what other cannot see, they will see you for who you are.
5.When I’ve had a bad day, my mate should be able to sense it and should do something to make me feel better without my having to tell him or her. If you have a bad day and come home with an attitude, how is the rest of your night going to go? If you do not tell him what is wrong he may think it is his fault and take it personally. Here is some advice. If you need time to come down from a tough day at work, tell your partner that you need some time to yourself. Go do thing that lift your spirits like listening to your happy playlist, taking a bath, working out, or whatever takes you back to your centered place. On a good day take a sheet of paper and right all the things on it that you would like your partner to do to cheer you up. Plan time to have a sit down and discuss your list. Hell, stick it in his wallet for safe keeping. You have the right to ask for what you want rather than expect someone will know what you want.
6. My partner should not expect me to be courteous and polite. That’s what marriage is about, being yourself and not having to put on a show. True love is humbling. It has a power and conscientiousness to it. When that person is on your team they will not do anything to hurt their key player. What happens when the line does not block for the quaterback? He/she can get sacked or hurt. If your partner believes that rudeness is who he/she is then they obviously did not sign up for a partnership. Being unkind, more often than not, is a reaction to anger with ourselves or our perceived inadequacy. When I was rude to other people, it was because I was afraid they wouldn’t like the nice me. I didn’t mind if they were angry at the fake, rude me, because it really wasn’t me. Vulnerability builds trust. Long-term love requires trust. It is hard to trust someone that never blocks for you.
8. My mate and I should do almost everything as a couple if we are to maintain a happy relationship. Spending time apart is also an important component of a happy relationship. It is healthy to have some separate interests and activities and to come back to the relationship refreshed and ready to share your experiences. Missing your partner helps remind you how important he or she is to you. It is important to maintain your autonomy.
9. I should be able to keep my partner from getting unhappy. If you expect your partner to make you happy, you are demanding love. If you were happy when you were single, you’re more likely to be happy in your relationship. And when you’re happy, you can focus on “sharing your love” instead of “demanding happiness.” Do you see how this can make a world of difference in your relationship? When you go from “needing” love, affection, and support to fill a hole in yourself, to “sharing” love and happiness from a place of fullness, your relationship will blossom into something truly amazing and lasting.
10. I have to win this argument. If you win the argument your partner loses. If your partner loses you lose. You are no longer a united front when you win the argument. You will have disagreements. Disagreements are healthy. Disagreements mean that your values have threatened. Therefore, your anger is a feeling that notifies your brain to take action. Seek to understand your partners perspective, not to minimize your partners opinion. If you understand their perspective and they know you understand their perspective you both win.
What are your faulty assumptions?
Remember they may or may not be on this list.
You CAN change the way you think about your partner and your relationship. If you find yourself believing some of these faulty assumptions, then identify it and replace that thought with something healthier for you and your relationship. For example if you believe that your partner should support all your ideas. Replace that thought with, my partner can be supportive to me as a person, even if he/she disagrees with my ideas.
Now you know! It is really easy to fall into a negative place without the proper skill building and support. That negative place can leave you divorced. This is why my husband and I got into this line of work. How many of you thought that getting this person to marry you was the hard part? How many of you thought that it would be relatively smooth sailing from the wedding day on? How many of you were surprised by how much your partner changed, seemingly overnight? How many of you had a rough first year in your relationship?
– Values.Define what values you want to uphold for your children, or alternatively what values you wanted to make central to your lives together.
–Trust. Learn how you both feel about monogamy, and what your attitudes and approaches would be if one of you slipped up.
–Crisis. What you would do if you felt your marriage was in crisis. Would you agree upfront to attend marriage coaching if the other partner requested it, even if your marriage was not in crisis?
–Kids. Do you both want them? Had you both discussed a time line? etc. Had you both thought about what you would do if you discovered you were infertile?
–Money. Have you thoroughly discussed your attitudes about it with each other? Had we talked about budgeting and debt?
–Divorce. Know where you both stand, let’s face it 50% of all marriages end in divorce. If you are searching for online divorce filing resources consider your assumptions.
If you have recently #married or planning on getting married in the near future, I highly recommend #premarital coaching. We are a husband and wife team that will help you talk through those tough topics and divorce-proof your relationship. Contact us for christian marriage questionnaire and printables. Most divorce lawyers encourage marriage counseling or coaching. The state of Tennessee requires premarital counseling prior to issuing a marriage certificate. This is the divorce advice every failed coupled wish they would have had, get premarital coaching know what your getting into before you get into it and it turns into divorce!