Relationship Commitment! A Self-Coaching Tool?
Relationship Commitment. We all want to know if the person we are interested in will commit to us. I have created a table that lists traits of someone who will and won’t commit. Sometimes we learn as children how not to trust and as adults to not commit. The ability to trust our caregiver is learned at a very early age and sometimes this developmental stage is adversely impacted. Maybe their trust in themselves was shattered when they thought they were making a good decision, but the decision turned out to be disastrous and painful. The inability to trust oneself can also come from not knowing who we truly are. Even when we do know ourselves, we still sometimes make the wrong choices because we let fear, external pressure or bad past relationships get in the way. With that being said, the importance of commitment must be acknowledged. Only when an individual trusts themselves can they love and commit to others. How can you trust other people if you can’t trust yourself? Do not get discouraged if sometimes you are wrong. Underneath the surface relationship commitment is our overall goal. Learn from your mistakes and move forward. Isn’t it better to trust yourself and be wrong than not trust yourself at all?
I challenge you to determine the level of commitment of both parties in the relationship. If someone is showing signs that they are not ready to commit, I then challenge you to determine if the relationship is worth the investment. What is the definition of commitment? When you commit yourself to one person, you are committing your well-being, future, hopes, dreams, and happiness. Is this person worth the investment? Compare your relationship to a job? Would you quit your job if you worked for a company that treated you like your partner?
Goal: Determine Your Level of Commitment
Materials Needed: Open mind, humility, compassion, paper & pen.
Instructions: This exercise should be done individually. There is a table, which contains two check lists. Check all points that apply to your relationship. Once this is done, tally your responses for each column. If you have more responses checked in the commit column, then maybe it is time to move forward with the relationship. If you have more points checked in the non-committal side, then maybe it is time to take a step back. Once the check list has been completed, move on and answer the proceeding questions. Once each party has gone through the exercise, you both must create some time with no distractions to discuss your thoughts and results.
Why is commitment so important?
|Non-Committal||Willing to Commit|
|Their actions don’t live up to what they say.||They respect you.|
|They don’t want to call you.||They think before they act.|
|There is no progress. When you step forward they step back.||They can pick up on the emotions of others.|
|They always have an excuse.||They keep their word.|
|They want to be your friend with benefits.||They do not crave attention.|
|They never know “what your relationship is”.||They are secure in themselves.|
|They say things like… “We’ll see where this goes”.||They appreciate life and feel a sense of fulfillment.|
|They don’t want to apologize for anything.||They are great communicators.|
|The will only see you, when it is convenient for them.||They do not ignore problems, and let negative emotions fester.|
|They are manipulative and make you feel like every problem the two of you have is your fault.||They are not secretive.|
|They never compromise.||They are affectionate.|
|They spend more time with their friends, then with you.||They show a genuine interest in their partner.|
|They are only interested in what you can do for them.||They are willing to spend time with you.|
|They constantly talk about their past relationships.||They do not let the past influence their current relationship.|
|They never talk about their feelings.||They are not afraid to put your interest before their own.|
Now Get a Separate Sheet of Paper and Answer the Following Questions.
1.) Do you want a relationship, or do you need a relationship? Who are you without one?
2.) What commitment means to me…
2.) If you were in a committed relationship that ended, how has your heart healed and are you ready for a new one?
3.) Do they love from their insecurities or do they love from their strengths?
4.) Do our core values and beliefs repel or compel each other?
5.) Does this person challenge me?
6) What can you conclude from this exercise?
Keep These Tips In Mind:
1.) Approach the issue clearly by being as direct as possible.
2.) Choose the right situation. Probing each other’s feelings can be intense, so be careful about when and where you talk. Pick a private place with minimal distractions.
3.) Don’t panic if the response isn’t exactly what you want. They have the right to have thinking it over time. Don’t demand an immediate answer. Sometimes when people feel pressure to respond, they get flustered.
4.) Avoid getting into a debate. If you find yourself arguing for more than your partner is ready to give, you are pushing too hard.
5.) Resist the urge to ask for constant updates. However, if weeks have gone by, they may be avoiding the issue. If they do not want to make a decision, it may be time for you to make your own decision. Do what is best for you.
- Respect myself – who I am and what I do.
- Recognize my own needs as an individual- that is separate from what is expected of me in particular roles, such as “son”, “daughter” girlfriend, boyfriend, brother, sister, student.
- Make clear “I” statements about how I feel and what I think. For example. “I feel very uncomfortable with your decision”.
- Allow myself to make mistakes.
- Change my mind, if I choose.
- Ask for “thinking it over time”. For example, when peoples ask you to do something, you have the right to say “I would like to think it over and I will let you know my decision by the end of the week”.
- Allow myself to enjoy my successes that is by being pleased with what I have done and sharing it with others.
- Ask for what I want, rather than hoping someone will notice what I want.
- Recognized that I am not responsible for the behavior of other adults.
- Respect other people and their right to be assertive and expect the same in return.
Which option(s) do you want to pursue?
Turn that into an action step(s): what will you do by when? What is your goal(s)?
What step(s) could you take this week that would move you toward your goal?
What is your level of commitment to this goal(s) on a scale from 1 to 10?
Are there any obstacles we need to address to make sure this step gets done?
Please list goal associated affirmations…
I choose to have fun and make life a playful experience.
I exercise regularly, and I love it.
I can let go of worry of what I cannot control.
Relationship commitment means that you are honoring exclusivity, love, trust, honesty, openness, and support of each other needs and desires. Contact us if you need support!
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